TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let's have One more position where American Males can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Anyone a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It Trump Tower Damascus truly is that he should really cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the task, replied, "You recognize, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following locating the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It's not only ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting interest from international investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage can even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where by my PTSD might have convert-down provider."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It needed a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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